Dear momma –

Dear Me

I know who you are

I see you

I FEEL you

you are me

you are a failure

you got it all wrong


life is a mess

you are a mess

your kids are a mess

your house?


you need to be more

you need to do more


you love your kids

at least you think you do

some days you’re not sure….

I mean love IS patient, right?






you are blessed.

with these kids

but why?

why are they even yours?

if you can’t handle them?

why did God choose you?

did HE make the mistake here?

WHY does every. other. mom. have it right?

have things in order

why do THEY mess up but it doesn’t really seem like it

are THEY feeling these feelings?

are THEY having these thoughts?

are THEY really what they seem?


to all three.

THEY are amazing.

but, then again,

you are too.

Dear ME.

Dear You.

you are loved

you are not alone.

tomorrow, you will feel better


but please know

please please know

that you are NOT Alone.


26.2 and we are not talking miles here

This kid falls an average of 26.2 time a day.  (Why I came up with that number, I couldn’t tell you. I do know that it DOES happen to be the amount of miles in a marathon but why I can’t use another number, I don’t know – this is the one my head keeps spitting out)

but he falls. A LOT.  and a typical fall goes like this.


Silent mouth open scream….

Breath, Baby Breath

all the while I am checking for blood.

no blood?  ok good.

“oh baby, mommy’s sorry….oh baby that hurts”

then he squirms to get down because he has important stuff to do.

like, for example, to go RIGHT back to where he was when he fell.

certainly he can conquer it now.

The fall the other night was a little bit different.  Or perhaps I should say, a little bite different.  or maybe I should say, a BIG bite different.


panic mode….what is bleeding?  can you see it?

he bit his tongue.  but it wasn’t the mommy comforts me for a minute and I am ok… It was a panic moment kinda deal.   the one where you freak out and post on facebook because surely this has happened to a million people and ALL of them are going to tell you the SAME thing so you can follow their advice, right?  right.

Luckily we are the kind of peeps that have this person….  My husband says it is good to know three kinds of people.  an accountant, a lawyer and a doctor….  Well our person… she technically isn’t a doctor but we trust her more than one.   and she makes HOUSE calls.  oh and this one takes payment if the form of LETTING her have the kids🙂

she came right over and we all determined that he would be fine and put him to bed.  poor baby


all is well….for an hour when he woke up SCREAMING.  I went in is room and was unable to console him so I thought I better take a look at his *broken* tongue.

yeah.  off to the hospital.

I thought a piece of it was going to fall off.

but it didn’t

and there was nothing they can do

except give pain meds and a rx for a soothing mouthwash…

and I will tell you that if your kid ever bites through his tongue.  To leave it be.  He will be fine.  It WILL heal on it’s own.  But when you SEE it…like that?  You will rush him in too.

I promise.

got some training in my mommy marathon

the post that means I am posting….again

do I still remember how to blog?  it has been a while.  In my head, I have been trying to rename the blog but haven’t come up with that “perfect” name yet. 


and I have been wondering?  do people even read blogs? 


but even if I blog only for my sanity….then that is reason enough to blog, right?



always fatal

It is still a phone call that I will never forget.

It happened a year ago.

but it is was on my heart and mind tonight as I was nursing my sweet little babe

here is what I wrote about it at the time:


“At our ultrasound last week the peri neonatologist was concerned about calcium deposits on the baby’s liver. Wanted to make sure I had the blood test done and have me come back in 4 weeks to re-evaluate.

I got a call from them today to tell me that the results of the AFP4 test. It showed that there was an increased risk of Trisomy 18. Here is what my quick research showed:

Trisomy 18 is a congenital disorder caused by the presence of an extra #18 chromosome, occurring in about 1 out of 3,000 to 1 out of 6,000 live births.

Trisomy 18 is always fatal, with 50% of babies dying within the first week and an additional 40% dying within the first year. The disorder is characterized by profound mental retardation, heart defects, and central nervous system defects

More research shows that these test have a tendency to not be accurate and I am hoping that it is true.

we have a Consult with the Peri Neonatologist on Wednesday at 3pm.

Please pray that everything is ok…

I can’t get “is always fatal” out of my head and heart…”

9.29.10 UPDATE

The appointment went as expected really. We had done enough research to know what he was going to tell us. What we didn’t know, were the numbers. There is a 1:16 chance that the baby has T18. That is about 6%. That also means that there is a 94% chance that the baby is perfectly healthy. Still the 1:16 took my breath away…it was alot higher than what I expected.

Because of the calcium deposits were seen in the u/s and the test coming back the way it was, he said we are working with 2 risk factors. Although the calcium deposits didn’t seem to be a big factor.

The good news (which we knew already) is that the baby is looking and measuring normal. IF he were to have T18, the abnormalities would show up in a level II u/s which is what we had last week. There are many, many different signs that can show up on an u/s.

Now we are faced with the decision to have and Amnio or not. the Amnio would identify for us FOR SURE that the baby does or does not have it.

The doctor wants us to have one SOON because FL law only allows you to terminate a pregnancy up to 24 wks (I am 21w3d) We have one scheduled for next Thursday. But, we WILL NOT be terminating the pregnancy.

We also have the option to chose NOT to do the Amnio and wait it out. Either way from here on out, we will be having consistent ultrasounds to check and monitor the baby.

I have mixed emotions about all of this but I am doing ok.

I will keep you posted.


more to come in a later post.

project homeschool: problem solving

ah Homeschool.  Such a scary word

with such meaning

and such controversy

so much doubt is still creeping in

still in the “not sure” place

trying to find our ‘style’

and work out our methods.


today, I made this little bottle that I found on pinterest.

I THOUGHT it would entertain the boy.

He sort kinda not really played with it for 5 min

and then he was done.

but she picked it up.


and the natural lessons kicked in.

she asked questions

tried different things
she was trying to see if she could get all the little pipe cleaner guys with the two wands
that’s called problem solving right there.

and I liked it

and so did she

therapy [ther-uh-pee]  

today did not start out well.

usually, when I have a bad day, it is followed up by a good day. usually.

so I fully expected that today would be a good day. a great day.

my expectations were blown the moment I woke. It was one of those wake-ups when you are dreaming but then realize that the screaming you are hearing is REAL. You fly out of bed to the aid of the apparent ‘victim’, run across the house, still quite asleep, to help. To comfort. To find missing train cars. Because that is what is important to a nearing 3 year old as soon as he wakes up. Whilst searching though, you hear another scream. This time though, you KNOW the scream. Someone is hurt. Scared. and you realize before you get there that this someone is a small, innocent 7 month old who just took a dive off your bed and onto the hard floor.

and then comes the guilt.

and then comes the overwhelming-ness of life

and how you can’t handle it

how you fail…EVERY. SINGLE. DAY.

then you go to facebook. you are not real sure why. maybe because you are reaching out. for support. for love. for encouragement. for prayers. you post about it but then almost immediately decide you should delete the post. because you hate being so negative.

you tell yourself that “this is the day” and that you need to rejoice.  you need to find your “rejoicer”

you hate the way you feel.  you are not happy with your thoughts.  you KNOW that YOU have a choice to make

have a bad day?  another one?  or choose to make it a good one.


I chose the later.  I was going to have a good day!



the moment I walked in to drop off LittleMan at school, I realize that I forgot about a commitment that I made.  And all the self-doubt starts clouding my good day.


“How could I have forgotten?”


my thoughts are running everywhere.  “I am blessed” is what my necklace tells me.  I receive a phone call from a friend.  “I am praying for you”.  Small encouragements surround me in the people God puts in my path.  The reminder that “I can do all things”, that I am loved.  That I am a good mom.

and the facebook post?  LOVE.  I read it and I felt it.  Maybe God uses Facebook afterall.


On the way home from getting LittleMan we were discussing what we were going to do this afternoon.

and they brought up the beach

I always hear how the beach can be a bit therapeutic.

and I wanted to go

no, I needed to go

so we went.

I was determined to make it a good day.  no,  a GREAT day.  no, an unforgettable day.

~~~ share it with me ~~~


















feeling brilliant…

or at least a bit clever….

my girls LOVE peanut butter with apple slices

I almost equally HATE cleaning peanut butter off their bowls.

as I was fixing them this tasty treat I was trying to figure out a good way to do it.

and then it happened…

a coffee filter!